Part One in a series on Leaders & Language (Part Two, Part Three, Part Four)
"The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The leader adjusts the sails." - John Maxwell
Have you ever found yourself drowning in a sea of complaints at work? As leaders, it's easy to feel overwhelmed by the constant barrage of grievances from our team. But what if I told you that hidden within every complaint is a golden opportunity for growth and transformation?
In their groundbreaking book, "How The Way We Talk Can Change The Way We Work," Harvard researchers Lisa Lahey and Robert Kegan introduce a powerful concept: the language of commitment. This approach offers a vital compass for leaders, redirecting habitual complaints toward clarified personal commitments brimming with passion.
Let's face it, we've all engaged in what they call "BMW" talk – bitching, moaning, and whining. Or its cousin, "NBC" talk – nagging, bitching, and complaining. While it might offer a momentary catharsis, it rarely leads to meaningful change. As leaders, our instinct is often to quell these complaints quickly, explaining away issues or offering rapid-fire solutions. But in doing so, we miss a crucial opportunity for growth.
The key lies in understanding that behind every complaint is an unspoken commitment. People don't complain randomly – they voice grievances about things they're passionate about improving, whether they realize it or not. Our job as leaders is to unearth these hidden commitments and harness their energy for positive change.
Let's look at some practical examples:
When an employee complains about their weight, they're likely committed to being in good physical condition.
A parent who grumbles about their child's teacher is probably deeply committed to their kid getting a quality education.
A team member who feels unheard in meetings may be committed to making greater contributions to the team's thinking.
As leaders, our role is to listen for the commitments within people's complaints. Then, we need to reflect back what we think they might be committed to and ask them what they could do to move toward that future. This simple act reorients people from looking in the rearview mirror and complaining about what was, to looking out of the windshield and taking action on what can be.
Let's put this into practice with a real-world examples:
Complaint: "Nobody in this office communicates effectively!"
Commitment: To have clear, open, and effective communication
Complaint: "Our company is always behind on the latest technology trends." Commitment: A dedication to innovation and staying competitive in the industry.
Complaint: "There's never enough time to complete all our projects properly." Commitment: A commitment to delivering high-quality work and maintaining professional standards.
By working through this shift, we can transform a vague complaint into a concrete commitment. We might ask the complainer, "It sounds like you're really committed to having clear, open communication in the office. What steps could you take to move us in that direction?"
Here are some practical tips for initiating these commitment conversations:
Create a safe space: Frame the discussion as an opportunity to uncover shared passions and possibilities, not as a complaint session.
Practice active listening: Use open-ended questions to help people drill down to the core of their commitments.
Acknowledge complexity: Recognize that people often hold competing commitments. Help them navigate these tensions without judgment.
Focus on action: Guide people in translating their newly discovered commitments into concrete next steps.
Model the behavior: Start with your own complaints. Show your team how to reframe them into commitments and action plans.
Remember, this shift from complaints to commitments isn't just about changing words – it's about changing mindsets. It requires patience, courage, and trust in the process. But with consistent practice, you'll see your team's culture shift from one of passive grievances to active problem-solving.
So, the next time you hear a complaint, resist the urge to silence or solve it immediately. Instead, see it as an invitation to a deeper conversation. Ask yourself, "What commitment is hiding behind this complaint? How can I help unearth it?"
By mastering this language of commitment, you're not just solving problems – you're unlocking the hidden potential in your team. You're transforming grumblers into innovators, complainers into collaborators. And in doing so, you're not just changing the way your team talks – you're changing the way they think, act, and achieve.
Are you ready to turn your team's complaints into catalysts for change? The power to do so lies in the questions you ask and the conversations you lead. So go ahead, embrace the complaints – and let's uncover the commitments that will drive your team and organization forward.
Read Part Two.